I’ve been in my head a lot these past few months. So much to think about. The past, the present, the future. My story. Everyone’s story. What the history books will say about this shocking moment in time.
For me, it all began in 2019.
Started the year off with hopes and dreams. By the summer the first business I had ever poured my heart and soul into came to a disappointing and shocking demise. My grandmother got sick during that same period, and I lost them both. I rung in my 40th year a little darker than usual.
Then my best friend, my last grandmother got sick, and I lost her too. My heart was broken in 2019, I had to believe 2020 could only be better – it couldn’t be any worse.
I had started a new business, a practice to support women. I had expectations that I could use my skills and innate desire to help people to change lives.
2019 turned into 2020 and my 20 year old cat, on Harper’s birthday woke up the morning of her party – and didn’t return from the vet. I lost yet another piece of my heart. I thought 2019 would contain all the pain. I needed something. I needed a light. A ray of sunshine. So in March Nathan and I took our first vacation – after three kids in two years – since our Honeymoon in 2014. We had happiness in our hearts and were so excited to be able to spend time together just the two of us. And it was wonderful. And beautiful. And perfect. Then we returned home on March 10.
Then March 13 hit. And nothing has looked the same, and nothing ever will.
We left our apartment with the clothes on our back, not knowing we wouldn’t return. We were incredibly lucky to have a home with a yard and pool to escape to, while we waited for life to happen. During this time I had to close the doors to my second business and become a Stay at home mom. Nothing I intended – or expected – to be.
This post is not intended to be a woe-is-me commentary. We all have our stories. We all have our sagas. This post was actually a reminder for myself. That even during our darkest days. Even during the toughest times, life is beautiful.
This morning at 4:30am we were woken up by a parade of children. Harper pooped and needed us to wipe. Even through sniffles and cries when we forced them back in their bed explaining it was actually still bed time – Harper wished me a Happy Birthday.
As exhausted as these children make me. As overwhelmed as I am with life right now. As unsure of what the future looks like. As broken hearted as I still am that I can’t share all of this with my beloved Grandmothers, I still can’t believe how lucky and blessed l am.
I waited until 33 to meet the love of my life. And I did. And he is. And how lucky I am to be stuck at home with him, the perfect partner, a wonderful father, during this time.
Though I wanted no children. Then only one. Then three, how lucky are we that they have each other to learn from, play with, share this experience together.
No life isn’t perfect right now. Quite the contrary. The west coast is burning. Lives are in danger. Animals have no homes. Minorities are living in fear. Our country is in shambles.
It’s all too much to consume. It’s all too much for the world.
But today, on my birthday, even though we’ve been awake since 4:30, even though we’re living in limbo, even though life is not what we planned – I am so grateful for each day. For the family I created, the family I was born into. The friends I’ve collected. The life I’ve built. The business I’ve built. The people I’ve loved and lost. I welcome 41 confused, uncertain, overwhelmed, exhausted but living with deep solid gratitude.
Thank you for all the love today.