I happen to be a particularly insightful person. I’m not sharing that to toot my own horn, it just happens to be one of my strengths. I’m in touch with me, my core, my soul, my personality. I’m aware of my actions and the reasons behind why I take them. I try to question my motives. My intention. My purpose. My reasoning. As with us all I’m aware of things I could do differently, better. Behaviors are hard things to change. To shift. They’re so ingrained within us. 40 years of identity is a hard one to crack.
In day to day life I try to be cognizant of what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. Sometimes I do or say something – and from the depths of me a little voice says, “just don’t.” And often times I do it anyway. That voice is a hard one to listen to. Thought it’s right 99% of the time.
There have been moments in my life where something big, or small, has made me take a good hard look at myself. ‘Do I like who I am? Where I am? Are there things I want to change? Things I’ll commit to changing?’ As someone who has committed her life to “helping people” and toting the line “people can change, you change, if you try hard enough” – sometimes I reflect back and think, “you can…but it’s really fucking hard.”
I’ve never found myself to be an overly bubbly-happy person. But I don’t think I’m a downer either. I’m not silly but not serious. I have strong convictions. I love hard. I’m loyal and committed. And very very stubborn. I know what I like. I know what I want. And since I was a child, it’s been virtually impossible for me to shift my ground once I decide on sometime. Right or wrong. I’m opinionated and persistent, demanding – have high hopes and high expectations. If I feel that someone I love has been wronged – my wrath is harsh and deep. And don’t even thinking about fucking with me. It’s just how I’m built. It wasn’t a choice. This is my chemical make up. Is it how I always want to be? react, respond? Maybe not as brashly – but alas, there are probably worse things in the world. Do I sometimes worry about things that are entirely out of my control? Yup. Do I over post on social media because I love creating community, engaging people? Sure do. Might I say or do things that are controversial and rub some people the wrong way. Absolutely. Do I also forgive when the affront if it wasn’t life or death? without question, yes and easily. Because it’s the only way to live. Holding on to grudges. And the past. That’ll just hold you back. The present and future can be so perfect if you let it.
Unfortunately I’m also highly sensitive. And desperately want people to like me. When I find out someone with whom I thought I had a good relationship has been bashing me, it cuts deep. Now, I understand it’s human nature to talk about people to other people – I’m certainly an offender as well. And I understand we’re all built differently, and see the world, and events differently. But it feels differently when you’re blind sided – and learn something that you entirely didn’t expect to learn. Especially when it’s from someone you thought you cared about and cared about you. Life ebbs and flows. People’s relationships come and go. Feelings change and shift, sometimes as quickly as the tides.
But when you learn that someone who you think highly of, who you’ve respected, doesn’t share the same sentiments – simply, it hurts. I’ve often been one to speak directly to someone if they have hurt me or acted in a way that didn’t sit well with me. I’m comfortable with confrontation – as well as constructive criticism. But I also am someone who takes things personally. It’s a balance and a thin wire.
I try to do my best in this one life I have to live. I try to treat people well. I try to create and build community. I try to support people on their life journey. I try to help animals, the planet, my friends and family in their life endeavors. I ask questions. I empathize. I listen. I suggest and guide. I try. I try. While sitting on the beach this week I’ve really tried to do some reflecting. I’ve tried to deeply consider my choices, behavior, action, personality. I tried to think If what people say about me, say to me, is right, when it’s not that nice.
And sometimes it is. And sometimes it’s not. And sometimes I can do better. And sometimes I can’t. And sometimes it’s their hang up. And sometimes it’s my fault. And sometimes I’ll win and sometimes I’ll lose.
When I awoke this morning at ten to five I saw a full moon hanging in the sky over the impeccably pristine aqua Caribbean waters. I sat under the moon, on the sand with just the sound of the early morning waves crashing at the break. And I vowed to myself. And I vowed to the universe that I will continue to try my best. Not everyone is going to like me. Not every interaction is going to be beautiful. Not every choice I make is going to be right. I sent an apology through the breeze out to the universe to anyone I’ve wronged, intentionally or otherwise and also vowed to keep being me – right there under the morning moon. With my faults. And my strengths. I will keep loving and defending deeply. I will keep making people laugh, and holding those up while they cry. Because though maybe I don’t get it right all the time, I think I’m doing something right most of the time.